If you are engaging with this article, you are in all likelihood unhappily in love or stuck in an unsatisfying bond and unable to break free.
Because you think he or she is your soulmate. Or you even believe that when you are in love, that is just how it is: you have heartbreak.
But these assumptions are wrong. Love has nothing to do with sorrow and suffering, nor does a person who loves you and is your "soulmate" treat you badly. A loving person does not withdraw, cease communication, or run away from you either. They stay with you, talk to you, and maintain a dialogue at all times. Love has nothing to do with suffering.
If you have once again found yourself with a partner who is emotionally unavailable, unsettles you with push-pull behavior, and leaves you in doubt again and again, then your paradigm alone is responsible for this, not the other person. That does not mean that you are at fault for their behavior and bear responsibility for it. But: You, or rather your paradigm, have attracted this person.
And although you wish for a loving and stable relationship, you now seem to be repeating the same painful experiences yet again.
Because your paradigm is doing the only thing it can: pressing the replay button and playing the same film over and over, and resonating again with similar people.
Many of my clients believe in this situation that they are simply unlucky in love or keep meeting the wrong people because the "universe" wants to test them and one still has "learning tasks."
But in fact, the root cause of your relationship problems and the actual answer or solution lies only in your subconscious, the seat of your paradigm.
Your subconscious is not looking for happiness – but only for familiarity
That sounds contradictory at first. Why would your subconscious want to repeat experiences that hurt you, that harm you?
The answer is quite simple.
Our subconscious does not evaluate situations based on whether they are good or bad for us. It distinguishes more between familiar and unfamiliar.
Everything you have experienced over many years, especially your childhood experiences, it has stored as "known and familiar." For your nervous system, known initially means safety – even if those experiences were extremely painful for you.
That is the reason why you feel an attraction to certain people, recurring relationship patterns: because your subconscious has known them this way since your childhood.
The love often felt as magical, in which you suffer without end, is neither a soul partnership, nor is it your twin flame, and it is certainly not the great love.
For your subconscious, it is simply what it has programmed: sorrow and suffering = love. It is no more and no less.
If you had a different program in your subconscious, you would not want to have a person who treats you badly, who causes you sorrow and sleepless nights, in your life.
You would subconsciously "sort out" this person as a potential candidate long before any kind of bond could even form.
The first years shape your image of love
As a child, you learned how relationships work. Just imagine that you were born with an almost empty hard drive. This data storage is your subconscious.
Everything you then perceive and observe in your first years of life with your sensory organs writes data onto the storage medium.
And this does not happen through words alone; rather, every experience and sensory impression that you are exposed to (especially in childhood) is stored. This includes things like:
How were you looked at?
What did the voice of your parents sound like?
Was affection a given, or did you have to earn it?
Was there emotional closeness or rather distance?
Were you allowed to make mistakes, or were you constantly afraid of rejection?
In which morphogenetic field did you mostly reside?
Were your parents tense? How did they treat each other? Were there money problems, violence, pressure?
Based on this data, your subconscious writes a kind of program: your paradigm. This paradigm now (unconsciously for you) controls all areas of your life from then on.
It decides on your language, it determines which habits you have, and is also responsible for the selection of your thoughts and feelings.
What is decisive in the formation of the paradigm is not what objectively happened, but only how your childhood experience evaluated those situations.
If love in your childhood was often associated with insecurity, withdrawal, silence, criticism, or emotional distance, your subconscious will store these very feelings as an inherent part of relationships.
Why toxic relationships/people often feel so familiar
If you later meet a person who triggers similar feelings, your internal system reacts immediately.
For example, you get to know a person who at first ignores you or openly rejects you, possibly provokes you. Or a person suddenly stops getting in touch with you. Perhaps they constantly switch between closeness and distance, subtly or openly devalues you, plays the known games like victim-perpetrator reversal, gaslighting, victim playing, drama playing, silent treatment, triangulation, future faking, etc.
You know all of this is not good, yet you fall head over heels in love with this person because your subconscious binds itself to the person.
The feeling they trigger in you is anything but peace (which you actually want)—but they reflect exactly what feels familiar to you: that love must always be associated with a struggle. And that is why you think you love this person.
So, if you feel a magical attraction to a person who leaves you out in the cold or hurts you, treats you badly, then that is not because this person is your great love.
Your subconscious merely recognizes a familiar pattern. It is nothing more than that.
What is familiar feels right to your internal system at first—even if it harms you in the long run.
It is now time to demystify a myth: Because what is celebrated in spiritual circles as a deep twin flame connection is in reality a highly toxic relationship—often with a partner who carries strong narcissistic traits.
Why letting go is so difficult
Even years after a breakup, one cannot forget a toxic relationship and often considers it the only true love.
(See also the article on trauma bonding in the lexicon)
One then attracts similar people over and over again, as if by magic, and falls into the same sick and exhausting relationship dynamics.
In the background, all of this is controlled by your old emotional program (paradigm) that originated sometime in your childhood.
Your subconscious is thereby trying one more time to finish a story that began many years ago.
With every toxic bond, the hope arises again:
"Maybe this time I will finally get the love that I missed in the past and the pain from back then will finally go away."
That is exactly why some relationships feel so significant.
Not because the other person is objectively perfect or the savior sent by the universe. But because your subconscious believes it can heal an old wound with this person.
And so the wheel keeps turning: you are pulled into unhealthy bonds, cannot break free – and every time, this dynamic wears the garment of great love. The only thing that changes is the names of the supporting actors.
Why healthy relationships sometimes seem boring
If you suddenly encounter a loving, reliable person after an unhealthy bond, that can feel like a relief at first. But after a while, a strange feeling creeps in: something is missing. The tension. The pull. The magic.
The constant waiting is missing. The games. The insecurity. The emotional rollercoasters.
But because your nervous system has been programmed for drama – because it knows chaos as the normal state – a healthy connection does not feel right. Sometimes even boring.
The silence seems alien. The consistency almost repellent. The calm does not feel like life – but like emptiness.
Your subconscious will now do everything to maintain the old pattern – the paradigm. Because it interprets change as danger. It wants everything to stay as it always was.
Feelings like trust, calm, and reliability do not fit into this program. And so you will – completely unconsciously – push away and sabotage exactly those people who would truly be good for you, who could be the right partners.
What does all this have to do with the law of attraction?
Your paradigm is the program that slumbers deep in your subconscious.
It continuously broadcasts the state of being that you carry within you. If it is characterized by fear, lack, or the belief that you have to earn love, that not only influences your perception and your thoughts – but also your decisions, your radiance, and the people you get involved with.
It is your personal autopilot. And it controls almost every area of your life.
That is why real change never begins with the other person. It begins – and ends – always only with you.
Because this here is your reality. It is based solely on your state of being. You created this experience with your vibration – and only you can change it. Not by suppressing your feelings, but by realigning your self-image, your paradigm, and your inner state step by step.
You are not at the mercy of your paradigm
Perhaps the most important insight of all:
Just because your subconscious has stored certain patterns does not mean you have to repeat them forever.
Your brain is capable of learning. Your subconscious is malleable. Your paradigm can be changed – in every area of your life. In love. In finances. In friendships. Everywhere.
Further blog articles on the topic:
How you can create a new self-image
Trapped in the outside world through heartbreak and rejection - how do you get out of it?
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